Emma's Birth

Emma's birth is a long story. It ended a nightmare that my family lived for over two months. This baby was supposed to be my VBAC. But at twenty weeks, I woke up one morning in a pool of blood. Certain I had lost the pregnancy, we rushed to the hospital. I was cramping really bad in the car and thought for sure I was in labor or something was really, really wrong. Once there, we found out I had a placental abruption, (baby was fine, baby was always fine) and there was a large clot in my uterus. It was not behind the placenta, but beside it. This was good for my baby, but not good for my uterus, as the presence of blood makes the uterus very irritable. At this point we were counseled that nothing would be done if I were to deliver at this point. I did not. The contractions stopped on their own, but I would have to be on modified bed rest, nearly impossible with a two year old. Luckily I have amazing friends that took care of my family and me during the next few months. They cooked us dinner and blew lots of bubbles on the porch with Jack. They listened to me cry and rage and complain about bed rest. Sadly, I would have to wean my son, which broke my heart, because he loved nursing and we weren't exactly ready to make a clean break. I will spare you the details of the nightly phone calls, the nightly bleeding and contractions that plagued us the next month. I was started on medication that decreased uterine irritability. It made me feel weird but there was no choice. Almost one month later, I felt the blood gushing out again. As I stood up to go to the car, it poured out, a puddle on the floor. I lay down and called an ambulance. We made it to the hospital, and again, baby was fine. Labor started up again, and this time they had me on Mag Sulfate to stop the contractions. I have never felt so terrible as I did on that drug. I will spare you the details of all the missed IV's, blood draws and vomiting. We were counseled again about the code status of our baby should she be born at this point. We decided that if resuscitative efforts failed after a reasonable time, we would provide comfort measures only. I was preparing to say goodbye to this little baby I hadn't even met. I didn't have to. Labor stopped and bleeding stopped. I went home after a week in the hospital. Back to my life on bed rest. Back to the nightly phone calls to the doctor, and nightly issues. I hated going to bed because I was so afraid that I would have to go back in and wake up my little boy and drag him back to the hospital in his jammies crying for his mommy. Or worse, that I would bleed to death in my bed. The next few weeks were awful, cervical dilation, more meds that made me sick. Meds to counteract the side effects of other meds. And it was HOT! Weeks passed, another hospital admission, and more pre term labor. Home for a day and back in with more bleeding. I started to feel like things were coming to an end. My baby was always fine, she was so strong. The day before she was born I didn't feel right. I knew there was something different and I didn't feel good. I felt like my blood pressure was low, and my heart started racing. I felt I was on the verge of becoming unstable. I ended up in Labor and Delivery because my baby had a few decels in her heart rate. Once we got down there, her heart rate was fine, but they wanted to keep us to observe a few hours. I started bleeding around 9:00pm. This time the bleeding didn't stop, and by morning it was decided that I would need a cesarean to deliver my baby. The bleeding was taking its toll on both of us now, and it was starting to get really heavy. I could feel it pouring out as they wheeled me in to surgery. I was so scared, and at the same time relieved that it would be over. I felt ready for the next phase. I was given a spinal that didn't work, and after the most excruciating cesarean delivery of my daughter, after I got to hear her cry and see her for one second, they put me under general anesthesia.

I woke up in a daze; my baby was in the NICU. Emma Grace born on July 11th, at 29 weeks. She weighed 2 lbs, 15 oz. The story goes on for six more weeks, until she could come home. But I will spare you the details of my pain, my fear. The feeling that I was always missing something. As I drove away from the hospital, the sudden jolt I would get like I was forgetting something. I felt this for 6 weeks. It took 5 weeks to get her nursing well, but I am so happy to say that she is doing great. She now is 12 weeks old, 8 lbs, 5 oz. Exclusively breastfeeding. She is lying in my lap right now, sleeping soundly. I'm not sure what I have learned from all this. I still feel traumatized by the whole experience. Sometimes it just hits me that I am so lucky she is alive, that I am alive and that she is so healthy. I love to just hold her and smell her hair. It turns out that the placenta was functioning at only 20% at the time of her birth. We are both so lucky.

I do feel a little sad that I will never have my vaginal birth. I'm working through that. I am fortunate enough to work in an environment where normal healthy birth is respected and promoted, and I get to help women have beautiful amazing births. I suppose my experience will help other women and in that I can find peace. Thank you for sharing my story, and thank you to all the amazing people who helped my family through the most difficult time in our lives. You are all cherished and you know who you are.

Peace and love

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